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The Rules

As the reader of this page, you have to realise that IFIS is weird. We're not talking slightly eccentric here - we're talking a society which made an addition to it's previous constitution so that Jack Dee could not be a member of the society because he has been seen dropping penguins down trap doors.

A society which has been known to elect a stuffed penguin as chairman, and then Sir Thomas Holloway as the penguin's assistant.... and then a real life human being as mortuary technician. The overhead projector would have got in there somewhere as well but we wanted to get to the pub....

If you want to fit in, you should know there are certain things that should not be discussed unless you want to be battered around the face by a wet kipper, by the aforementioned stuffed penguin - or the current chairman - I don't know which is worse.

Anyway, below are a few helpful guidelines to get you on the right lines.


  1. Do not mention "Star Trek Voyager" too loudly...
  2. Do not discuss computers for too long... If at all...
  3. Do not annoy the Vogon Security Officer, unless you wish to lose valuable parts of your anatomy...
  4. Do not fall through the glass plate at the Royal Ascot...
  5. Don't remove BigBird's clothes (it's been done before...)
  6. If you are part of the Bob-collective, do NOT use the word "gratuitous"...
  7. NEVER give Stephen Bob your e-mail address, unless you wish to receive pointless e-mails about the extent of his paranoia...
  8. If you are female, don't let Colin buy you any drinks... Or Patrick...
  9. Never buy Adam Bob a drink, or else he'll end up sleeping under a table in the computer room.


PS: This is just my personal opinion but if you really seriously think it's worth memorising those rules in case they ever come in handy, I would strongly suggest that you get out more often. Maybe the nice doctors can let you have a home visit sometime next week.

By Adrian Eyre, a previous information superhighwayman

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